I can't focus on anything.
I'm sure I have an exam tomorrow. I'm sure I need to review for it. I'm sure I've coasted throughout my entire life. I'm sure if I'm denied I probably won't die. But will I be bitter? I know I want this.
I know I dreamt of this. I know I've cried for this and the mere thought of entry has ransacked my mind, heart, and soul. I know I have lost friends over it. I know I will live on because of this. I know I'm worthy. I know I'm respectable, a lady, a paradigm of the standards they hold themselves accountable for. I know some have seen me at my worst and I also know I will be my best.
I have prayed countless times and asked the Lord to guide their hearts and tongues. I've put my fate in the hands of others and let loose my guard. I struggle with the insecurities of not knowing if I am good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, kind enough, stylish enough, cool enough, calm enough, transparent enough. Have I ruffled to many feathers how many of them have I pissed off with my fiery ways.
I've tried to be a lake. But it didn't work. I tried to be a volcano but it didn't work. Now I'm a tempest, roaring with rage but my temper is mild when I need it to be. I'm to outspoken, I'm to everything. I can't focus. I've tried to do things by the books, but sometimes I had to cut corners. I'm tired of the mental maze give me my fortune or let me be. I can't focus. I see no light at the end of the tunnel.
So I resist the urge to write logically and will design virtually in my head that place I should be.
I can't focus.
1 comment:
At the end of the day, I PROMISE this has nothing to do with you "not being (insert adjective here) enough". It's hard when you are seeking affirmation and validation in the eyes of others, especially when those others are not (immediately) inclined to look at you for who you are, but rather for what you bring to the table.
I'm sure there's a lot on your mind. I won't ask or tell you to not think about it. Either the chips will fall in your favor, or they'll fall away and apart from you. You, however, cannot fall apart regardless of what happens. I hope you get you want.
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