I can't focus on anything.
I'm sure I have an exam tomorrow. I'm sure I need to review for it. I'm sure I've coasted throughout my entire life. I'm sure if I'm denied I probably won't die. But will I be bitter? I know I want this.
I know I dreamt of this. I know I've cried for this and the mere thought of entry has ransacked my mind, heart, and soul. I know I have lost friends over it. I know I will live on because of this. I know I'm worthy. I know I'm respectable, a lady, a paradigm of the standards they hold themselves accountable for. I know some have seen me at my worst and I also know I will be my best.
I have prayed countless times and asked the Lord to guide their hearts and tongues. I've put my fate in the hands of others and let loose my guard. I struggle with the insecurities of not knowing if I am good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, kind enough, stylish enough, cool enough, calm enough, transparent enough. Have I ruffled to many feathers how many of them have I pissed off with my fiery ways.
I've tried to be a lake. But it didn't work. I tried to be a volcano but it didn't work. Now I'm a tempest, roaring with rage but my temper is mild when I need it to be. I'm to outspoken, I'm to everything. I can't focus. I've tried to do things by the books, but sometimes I had to cut corners. I'm tired of the mental maze give me my fortune or let me be. I can't focus. I see no light at the end of the tunnel.
So I resist the urge to write logically and will design virtually in my head that place I should be.
I can't focus.