Graduation!

So here it is. Im currently at graduation writing this --the speaker is boring! Anyways Im ready to get the show on the road. This feels unreal but Im suppper excited to be an Alumni. No more studying or school work till I go for my Masters and PH.D! I cant wait to begin the rest of my day! Ooh yay the speaker is done and now its time "For the Reccomendation of Degrees." omg my heart just fluttered!

Chocolate High

oh wow talk about drunk blogging lol. my bad world, Im sober and had a full nights sleep. Im back in love with my chocolate self and thats it.

This isn't Swag. I'm simply better than You.

Ok, so I used to be very conceited. People made it their duty in life to make me grounded and realize the world doesn't revolve around me. I was pretty much narcissistic. I disliked fat and ugly people. I thought I was the bomb.com

Sadly, I was shallow. I could hold a conversation but it was useless because I thought I was right all the time. I wasn't as pretty on the inside. I needed a face lift.

I entered college. I found prettier people than me. People with souls. People with personality. Everything they were. I wasn't. I grew to despise myself. I didn't like my inside. I began to eat, eat, eat, have bad grades, make attempts at being a harlot, I became a dictator within student organizations, I drank like a ill used waif, and I lost so many friends.

I convinced myself I wasn't that attractive and all I could add to the world was my rationale. I wanted to join a sorority. It is an awesome sorority. But the chapter members did not fit me. So I tried to mold my character into what I saw them do.

My eye keeps Twitching

Ever since I've come back from Puerto Rico my eye twitches. It happens when I see things that make me sad/mad. It can happen randomly. I can happen when I feel perfectly fine. I think it happens when I'm stressed and agitated. When I'm confused. It happens all the time. I can't get it to stop. The twitching has become noticeable to others. It happens on my left eyelid.

What is wrong with me. I can't study. I have one more exam tomorrow morning. Studying is far from my mine. All I need is an 80 to maintain my B in the class. I have a 3.4 for the semester. I just feel like its worthless. I don't even feel like sleeping. I don't feel like eating. I don't even really feel like drinking and I love to sip on alcohol.

Grr. I just want the semester to end. I just wish I knew the answers. I just want to go swimming.

Sitting Poolside in my Pearls

So talk about the element of surprise. My sister turned 18 and she had a party. Not just any party but one at the rec center and when I say party I mean she invited her friends and they are going to utilize all the rec center has to offer.

Confused yet?

I definitely was when I showed up in my pearls and my Kira Plastinina tank top (side note super sad her US stores are closed!). Party I was told. Party it was not. Luckily I had the foresight to bring my pajamas with me just in case I decided to spend the night. So now my Navy sweat pants, my pearls, and my K.P. tank top, are on babysitting duty at the pool.

To top it off my mother is being overbearing at the "party," my sister keeps making snide comments. One that began with "Why don't you go home and get a swim suit oh that's right you don't have a license"... Such a rude little bastich my sister is. Sad thing is she doesn't have a license either.

Life is a Musical

So I'm always changing up my life. One of my big life changes happen in 3 weeks. Graduation. Technically I graduate Aug 8th because I have summer school. But real talk my mental state is that I'm done in May.

I'm just ready for it to be over. I'm ready to move on and shake up my life. I'm not even nervous or scared. So much bull shit has happened in my last semester in school. I'm just through.

I went on a shopping spree this past weekend and it felt so damn good. This post is going nowhere as far depth-ness. I just felt like writing. Tomorrow is class and this week is going awfully slow. I'm readdddddy for it to be ovvvvvvr!

I want to design my own blog skin, something that is a reflection of me. My current blog skin is pretty and it will currently do.

I can't focus on anything.

I can't focus on anything.

I'm sure I have an exam tomorrow. I'm sure I need to review for it. I'm sure I've coasted throughout my entire life. I'm sure if I'm denied I probably won't die. But will I be bitter? I know I want this.

I know I dreamt of this. I know I've cried for this and the mere thought of entry has ransacked my mind, heart, and soul. I know I have lost friends over it. I know I will live on because of this. I know I'm worthy. I know I'm respectable, a lady, a paradigm of the standards they hold themselves accountable for. I know some have seen me at my worst and I also know I will be my best.

Out Here Grindin

I get so tired of doing the same old thing. Whether its the club, music, dancing, shopping, guys, love, and hate. I'm so ready for new things. I have two possible new jobs - one in Germany with Camp Adventure and the other in San Antonio with City Year. Im probably going to take the job in Germany. I want to live abroad and this the perfect opportunity for me. I'm thinking of all the hot guys, interesting food, beer, and finally how will I wear my hair.

That last thing is the craziest to me - Ive become one of those women I despise... always thinking about my damn hair. The fact of hair gets in the way of my life. I cant even focus on the great things cuz of my damn Afro and whether I should get a weave or micros, cuz I'm not gonna want to do my hair. So that's one of the minor questions that's become major. How unfortunate.

Besides the hair travesty I'm actually excited for Germany. Its a new frontier. I will need to learn some basic German and make some serious money becuz the stipend I get is only $2618 which is nothing because its in Europe. So it would be best if I could make at least $2382 more I would have $5 000, for the whole year in Germany.

Especially since I know I will want to travel so Ima look into some kind of grant, get a loan and work extra hard throughout the summer. This also means I should find a subleaser for the summer so I don't have to waste money on paying rent/utilities.

As I try to get my life together I'm getting uber excited. I turn 22 on June 10, Graduation is Aug 8, Germany is Aug 16. I have one urgent matter that NEEDS to be taken care of... get my drivers license... cant grind if I cant drive. right?

House of Cards in a Hurricane

I personally don't believe in false humility but neither do I believe in braggadocio. Both are a turnoff and I strive to balance in the middle. Currently as I being to write one of the biggest stories of my life I find myself taking a role that hinges on corny, desperate, collar popping. I truly hate it. I want to come forward with a sincere approach but I continue to be over analytical as to what method will grant me the best opportunity to .. for a lack of a better phrase.. "show leg."

As a person that is conscious of my initial medium reaction in response to "spot light" questions. I begin to fear for my future. I can sit for hours and begin to write a delicious prose that might be heart wrenching. But my verbal skills tend to lack. Especially when I need it most.

I than take on the role of being over prepared and this of course can lead to failure. Even while writing this blog I recognize that I'm over thinking what could or could not happen.

I'm simply over hype about this upcoming Friday. It signifies the end of the week but also a beginning to a possible new life. I've been searching for something my entire collegiate experience and I'm positive I found it. I don't expect to find an epiphany if I'm accepted.

But I know I will and can be awesome. Yet, I'm trying to remember what my good friend recently commented, "Sometimes I think God's just a tease. Or rather, He knows what we need and refuses to let us blind ourselves with what we want."

I've Decided

I'm tired. I want it all. But I don't want to work for it. I want the grades but I procrastinate. I want the men but I take the boys. I want the money but I spend it. I'm tired.

So I've Decided to Sleep.